The Distance Between If and Only

“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  (Matthew 6:34)

If only I had a boyfriend.  If only I had a husband.  If only I had a child.  If only my child could speak.

Waiting is difficult, especially in God’s economy.  God is not on our timeline, and His timeline is eternity.  Eternity to us seems almost unfair at times, but is it?  Perhaps God is waiting for the believer to learn something about His character.  Perhaps the Shepherd is waiting for that last sheep to be saved and brought into his fold.  In an instant pot, microwave, fast lane world, we want it all now, not tomorrow, and certainly not in eternity.  When the “if only’s” are not resolved on our timelines, we begin to worry. 

What if I don’t get a boyfriend?  What if I don’t get married?  What if I cannot have children?  What if my child never speaks?

The what if’s are God’s way of molding us into His likeness.  God is not interested in providing what we think we need when we think we need it.  God is interested in the time between the if only’s and what if’s.  The time between is holy.  This is the time for God to speak tenderly to you amidst your distress.  This is the time to ask God to reveal to you what He wants you to know in these moments of doubt and worry.  Allow God to work through the valleys of your life to transform you into His likeness.  God’s work cannot be truly done on the mountaintops of our accomplishments.  God’s work is done between the if only’s, and what if’s, but the believer must have a heart and mind open to God’s purpose and God’s timing.  God’s purpose is to reveal Himself to you in a profound way, to give you a new hope for an even better future.  God’s ways are perfect.

Lord, keep my eyes fixed on you and you alone.  I praise you in all things, in my joys and my sorrows.  Help me to seek you in this time of waiting and to rest on your promises of hope and healing in this world of despair and brokenness, for you are Lord.  You are holy, and you are sovereign in all things. 

It's the Small Things

“The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you.” (Luke 17:20-21)

The Pharisees had asked Jesus when the kingdom of God would come, and Jesus’ answer was profound.  Like today’s church, the Pharisees were looking for something grandiose from a worldly perspective.  Perhaps they were looking for an orchestral procession on a red carpet, awards and accolades to those who were of the most service to the church.  Jesus’ answer was far less attractive.  Jesus response was that the work of the kingdom of God is within.  The work of the kingdom of God is far less sexy and alluring than the spiritual leaders of Jesus’ day would have it.  There were no celebration Sundays, nor awards for hours of service.  The kingdom of God within is the humbling of the spirit culminating in complete submission to God’s design for your life.  This verse resonates with my soul being the mother of a child with special needs.  In the world's economy, having a child with special needs means:

• I cannot participate as often as I would like in church events.
• I cannot lead in church the way I would like to lead.
• I cannot be the display of the perfect pastor’s wife within the church, as the pharisees would have seen fit.

In GOD'S ECONOMY, having a child with special needs means that God is constantly working his kingdom out from within.  My soul is humbled; my spirit is sometimes crushed; and, my heart cries out for Jesus.  The kingdom is being worked out by God not for public display but for His glory in the small things.  There is no show, no award for being the best special needs mom, nor earthly glory.  His glory awaits as I live out God’s love for me and my son daily in surrender to Christ Jesus.

For Such a Time as This

“And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?”

(Esther 4:14)

“For such a time as this you were born.”  Those were the lyrics to the first song playing on my new CD as I sank lower into the soothing warmth of the tub.  As I sat and listened to the lyrics, I began to cry.  As I soaked in the warmth of the bath I had drawn, I sobbed tears of pain, tears of grief, tears of relief, tears from depths of my soul that had never been touched until then.  Just before drawing the bath, I had looked in the mirror for the first time in days.  The woman in the mirror looked haggard, disheveled, weary, and years older than before.  That woman in the mirror was me, but it was not a picture of myself I had ever imagined seeing.  This was a self completely depleted, completely alone in the world, completely and utterly void of any human concerns for that moment in time. 

The above paragraph is something I wrote after the death of my first husband.  At just 31 years of age, I was a widow.  It was a time in my life that I practically stood outside my body looking at the events that had transpired.  God sustained me.  God provided.  God foreknew.  I knew at that moment that God would carry me through all things in life.  No matter how daunting the trials I would face, God would be there.  Today, I hold to that promise.  For such a time as this, God has been preparing me, pruning me and instructing me so that I would be ready for the task at hand.  Not so I am able to bear the burden alone, but so I know how to walk in solidarity with my savior knowing He is Lord.

Lord, help me to keep my focus entirely on You and not on the circumstances of my life.  I praise you for the assurance that you go before me in all things.