The Distance Between If and Only

“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  (Matthew 6:34)

If only I had a boyfriend.  If only I had a husband.  If only I had a child.  If only my child could speak.

Waiting is difficult, especially in God’s economy.  God is not on our timeline, and His timeline is eternity.  Eternity to us seems almost unfair at times, but is it?  Perhaps God is waiting for the believer to learn something about His character.  Perhaps the Shepherd is waiting for that last sheep to be saved and brought into his fold.  In an instant pot, microwave, fast lane world, we want it all now, not tomorrow, and certainly not in eternity.  When the “if only’s” are not resolved on our timelines, we begin to worry. 

What if I don’t get a boyfriend?  What if I don’t get married?  What if I cannot have children?  What if my child never speaks?

The what if’s are God’s way of molding us into His likeness.  God is not interested in providing what we think we need when we think we need it.  God is interested in the time between the if only’s and what if’s.  The time between is holy.  This is the time for God to speak tenderly to you amidst your distress.  This is the time to ask God to reveal to you what He wants you to know in these moments of doubt and worry.  Allow God to work through the valleys of your life to transform you into His likeness.  God’s work cannot be truly done on the mountaintops of our accomplishments.  God’s work is done between the if only’s, and what if’s, but the believer must have a heart and mind open to God’s purpose and God’s timing.  God’s purpose is to reveal Himself to you in a profound way, to give you a new hope for an even better future.  God’s ways are perfect.

Lord, keep my eyes fixed on you and you alone.  I praise you in all things, in my joys and my sorrows.  Help me to seek you in this time of waiting and to rest on your promises of hope and healing in this world of despair and brokenness, for you are Lord.  You are holy, and you are sovereign in all things. 

It's the Small Things

“The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you.” (Luke 17:20-21)

The Pharisees had asked Jesus when the kingdom of God would come, and Jesus’ answer was profound.  Like today’s church, the Pharisees were looking for something grandiose from a worldly perspective.  Perhaps they were looking for an orchestral procession on a red carpet, awards and accolades to those who were of the most service to the church.  Jesus’ answer was far less attractive.  Jesus response was that the work of the kingdom of God is within.  The work of the kingdom of God is far less sexy and alluring than the spiritual leaders of Jesus’ day would have it.  There were no celebration Sundays, nor awards for hours of service.  The kingdom of God within is the humbling of the spirit culminating in complete submission to God’s design for your life.  This verse resonates with my soul being the mother of a child with special needs.  In the world's economy, having a child with special needs means:

• I cannot participate as often as I would like in church events.
• I cannot lead in church the way I would like to lead.
• I cannot be the display of the perfect pastor’s wife within the church, as the pharisees would have seen fit.

In GOD'S ECONOMY, having a child with special needs means that God is constantly working his kingdom out from within.  My soul is humbled; my spirit is sometimes crushed; and, my heart cries out for Jesus.  The kingdom is being worked out by God not for public display but for His glory in the small things.  There is no show, no award for being the best special needs mom, nor earthly glory.  His glory awaits as I live out God’s love for me and my son daily in surrender to Christ Jesus.

For Such a Time as This

“And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?”

(Esther 4:14)

“For such a time as this you were born.”  Those were the lyrics to the first song playing on my new CD as I sank lower into the soothing warmth of the tub.  As I sat and listened to the lyrics, I began to cry.  As I soaked in the warmth of the bath I had drawn, I sobbed tears of pain, tears of grief, tears of relief, tears from depths of my soul that had never been touched until then.  Just before drawing the bath, I had looked in the mirror for the first time in days.  The woman in the mirror looked haggard, disheveled, weary, and years older than before.  That woman in the mirror was me, but it was not a picture of myself I had ever imagined seeing.  This was a self completely depleted, completely alone in the world, completely and utterly void of any human concerns for that moment in time. 

The above paragraph is something I wrote after the death of my first husband.  At just 31 years of age, I was a widow.  It was a time in my life that I practically stood outside my body looking at the events that had transpired.  God sustained me.  God provided.  God foreknew.  I knew at that moment that God would carry me through all things in life.  No matter how daunting the trials I would face, God would be there.  Today, I hold to that promise.  For such a time as this, God has been preparing me, pruning me and instructing me so that I would be ready for the task at hand.  Not so I am able to bear the burden alone, but so I know how to walk in solidarity with my savior knowing He is Lord.

Lord, help me to keep my focus entirely on You and not on the circumstances of my life.  I praise you for the assurance that you go before me in all things.

A Door of Hope

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.  There I will give her back her vineyards and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.”  (Hosea 2:14-15)

My family lived in Amarillo, Texas for a few years.  The dry, dusty land felt barren to me, and the lack of lush green landscapes to which I was accustomed in Tennessee left me feeling parched of spirit.  It was a desert of sorts for my family both literally and figuratively.  Being a caregiver can feel like such a desert.  It is a lonely place where only the ones who have walked a similar path can begin to comprehend the barrenness.  Only those who have been caregivers can grasp the weariness and starvation for fountains of fellowship that seem to dry up as life’s challenges intensify.  I realized in my desert that my fountain of fellowship was not with friends and family, but with God.  God had been alluring me.  God had led me into the desert to speak tenderly to me in ways that no friend or family member could.  God has made my Valley of Achor, that place of pain and loneliness, the door of my hope.  The question is not why you are in this place of pain and loneliness, but what hope is God giving you in the valley?  Only then can one find peace and comfort, not from man, but true peace and comfort from God.

Draw me near to you, Lord, to find my hope in you and my peace in you.  In You, alone, there are springs of peace and joy in all circumstances, in the driest of deserts.  You are there calling my name waiting to reveal these things to me.  Thank, you Lord Jesus.  I praise Your Holy Name!

Peace And Autism

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.”  (Isaiah 26:3)

Living with autism may often seem unpredictable, or uncertain, if you will. Many children with autism have difficulty communicating their wants and needs, much less their feelings.  Some are even non-verbal which makes communicating all the more difficult, so the parent or caregiver must watch the child’s behavior which may often seem completely erratic.  If a child, disabled or not, wants your attention, that child will find a way to communicate his needs to you.  With severe autism, the child may strike the nearest person or throw something across the room.  When he is beyond frustrated and cannot communicate something to me, my child sometimes reaches what I call “the point of no return”.  At that point, helping my child to attain peace is not what gets me through these situations, it is God’s perfect peace as promised in Isaiah.

Perfect peace and autism may seem impossible to some.  Sensory struggles alone can cause such pain and agitation for our children that peace, yet alone perfect peace, seems insurmountable.  The child’s peace in the moment is not key; however, it is the parent’s ability to have peace in the moment while handling the situation.  And, yes, the good news is that perfect peace is attainable, especially when life’s challenges seem impossible. 

When I am at my wit’s end, my house is a wreck and my son is inconsolable, is when God steps in and says: “I’ve got this”.  How, one might ask?  The equation is simple.  Perfect peace only comes through complete submission to God and trust in God’s divine purpose amidst the struggles of the here and now.  I literally ask God to keep my eyes, heart and mind completely focused on Him and Him alone.  The key is to keep one’s focus on God and not the situation.  If there is no trust in God to give peace amidst the storm, there is no peace. Believe that God is who He says He is, and take refuge in His promises.  The next time you encounter a situation that appears to be completely out of control, call on God, claim His promises and trust Him to walk you through with a perfect peace that only He can give.

Lord, when things get tough, help me to keep my eyes focused on you alone.  When I am tempted to choose despair, pull me out by the promises you make in your Holy Word.  I praise Your holy name for the knowledge that You will never leave nor forsake me.  You are my refuge, my strength and my peace.

Planning for the Future

"Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow."(James 4:13-14)

One topic that consumes many parents of children with severe disabilities is the future care for their children.  For families of children who will need life-long care, the cost of that care beyond the parents’ lifespan is well into the millions.  Needless to say, the need to save and plan for our child’s future is always a thought tucked in the back of our minds.  Though my husband and I try to plan and forge a trajectory for our family’s future, we are also acutely aware that we are not completely in control. What we do know for certain is that if it is God’s will, we will be able to make future provisions for our son. 

So, what are parents to do if we do not know what will happen tomorrow?  We pray; we seek God’s will; and, we plan accordingly.  For instance, I know that if I do not begin focusing on my career outside the home, we will never meet our financial goals for our son’s future.  The uncertainty is that when I think I should reenter corporate America is not necessarily consistent with God’s plan for my family.  The key is to stay completely focused on God in prayer and scripture and to not become discouraged.  Isaiah 40:31 states: “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength”.  I have learned to keep my focus on God and not grow weary of the search process in knowing that God does have a plan beyond what my eyes can see. 

I have an all-time favorite sermon on cassette tape (yes, I said cassette tape) titled “He’s an On Time God”.  In uncertain times when God doesn’t seem to be bringing that job or that raise or that help you think you need in that moment, remember that God is always on time.  So as you try to make a plan for your child’s future, know that God will answer your prayers according to His plan for your family.  He is never late, but He’s always right on time.  You can count on it. 

Lord, help me to keep my eyes focused on you and your solutions to what I view as immediate needs.  Renew my strength, Lord, as I wait for your perfect timing in knowing that your best is so much greater than that for which I have planned.

A New Name

“The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; and you will be called by a new name which the mouth of the Lord will designate. You will also be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.” 
(Isaiah 62:2-3)

The trials you are experiencing today are making you into a crown of beauty and a royal diadem in the hand of the Lord.  Stop a moment and think about this concept.  What you are learning through the challenges you face today is making you into something precious and beautiful, of worth you cannot fathom.  This is how valuable you are to God, that he would use these trials to ready you to stand in His presence and receive a new name, a new inheritance.  You mean so much to God that he should want you to radiate His splendor.  I find peace and comfort in knowing I am so treasured.

Lord, in such a fallen world, it is a comfort to have a glimpse of how much You treasure me.  Bearing the wounds of childhood in a dysfunctional family wrought with generations of sin, I find peace in knowing I am part of a Royal Priesthood being readied to stand before you to receive a new heritage marked by a new name.  To You be the glory!